It is hard, I feel torn. I LOVE Christmas. I had this picture of Christmas in my head before kids, when Nolan was born, and then when I found out we would have 2-when Stella was coming! Then Christmas 2016 happened.
Christmas 2016 was very hard because we were starting to have the regressions, starting to lose language, and waiting for a diagnosis.
Now, here we are a year after diagnosis. We know Nolan has autism and we know he is an amazing little boy who is going to have some difficulties understanding. It does not make things easier.We are still learning what this means for our family. We don’t have a “prognosis” of how much language he will learn, how much understanding he will gain. We just have where we are now and hope for growth in the future.
I want so bad to explain the little people nativity scene to him. I want to read the touchy feely nativity and musical nativity and it be more than things to touch and hear-I want the words, the story, to matter so much. I want him to be excited or even care to find the Elf on the Shelf. I want him to be excited for Santa and even gifts. I want to know what he wants and be excited to give him that something.
We know that we have to be very careful he doesn’t get cold and we cannot zip his coat all the way up, but he can be bundled up to go in the snow and the sled. He will sit on Santa’s lap but will not smile or say what he wants. He loves to look at lights and lights to music are even more magical. He definitely knows and never forgets that he gets a chocolate from the Advent calendar every day-which is awesome but has no deeper meaning to him and sometimes he tries to get more than one.
The magic of Christmas is not gone, it is just different. I want so bad to be the magic I anticipated, but I am currently working (and trying to remember) being loved, being exposed to everything like everyone else, and us understanding who he is and what he needs is the magic he needs right now.
I ask patience and understanding this holiday season. –I ask it for me, so I can find out what makes him truly happy and expand on that. That I avoid comparisons to NT children his age and know he is doing his own awesome thing and his own awesome pace. That I may learn all that I can to be the best mom to my Nolan I can. –I ask it for others as we may be different in Church. We may need to have the iPad with us at all times, we may have a fit when the right part of the iPad isn’t on. We may need to leave and we have to stick to a pretty strict bed time routine. I may tear up at the fact of being different-standing out. I may need a smile rather than a confused look or even a scowl. he doesn’t enjoy opening presents–he doesnt understand, we may need to do it at home or for him.
I wish all of you the magic of Christmas, what ever that looks like in your home.