This post is hard for me to write. It is making me very anxious already and it puts me in a very vulnerable place. That being said, I do believe I CANNOT be the only one going through this and I want to share how I feel to hopefully help other mothers through this.
There is a thing called stay at home mom depression. Basically being home all day is hard. It can be quite literally, depressing. We are depended on for everything, but we feel like we do nothing–thought we’ve been working on doing something all day. We no longer have a job that tells us good job either with raises, promotions, good test scores, or someone actually telling you nice job. We really don’t TALK to anyone all day. Our identity is completely wrapped around being a mom–the caregiver of the house and the children…and somewhere in that joy–we lose ourselves.
(Original Article I read on Stay at home mom depression)
I also believe there is something called Post Diagnosis Depression. There is something in a mother/parent that changes when their child receives a diagnosis. EVERY.SINGLE.VISION. you once had must be modified. Will your child ever talk, graduate mainstream school, move out, be on their own, find love & marry, find a job?!? That in itself is scary, but there is more. You, as the parent, must take on a new role. You have to become more than a parent, you must become: a medical expert, a neurology expert, a dietary expert, learn sign language, learn new iPad systems, research the vestibular activities are most helpful, food journal, med journal, sleep journal, etc. All this in one day with someone telling you, “Your child has ____.”
(Article on Depression in Special Needs Parents)
I feel I have both of these combined. Now do I think this is a diagnosable? Not really. Do I think this is clinical depression? no. Do I think that I worry so much that I go into fits of crying and I cannot stop? yes. Do I lean HEAVILY on my husband to help me talk out my feelings (and be aloud to have them)? yes.
I cannot get a break from this life and even when I have a break it is not gone, its on the back burner. Finding a sitter is hard–we cant just ask anyone, it cant be over bed time unless they come here or the kids spend the night, they do not sleep consistent enough to spend the night with anyone besides grandparents. And if on the off chance we get a sitter, I stress about making the step by steps that help them. Alex works a lot of nights and every other weekend so even leaving the kids with him isn’t always an option and its finding a sitter conundrum again. It also means I am often left with bedtime and these emotions in the dark when the kids finally settle off to bed–while I miss an event (also great on my social anxiety–the pile/weight keep growing).
I worry. I think that is what makes all of this the hardest, the worry. My smart, educated brain knows worrying will do nothing. It knows that what ifs cannot take you anywhere and do nothing but cause stress. But my emotional brain-my heart- breaks. It breaks a lot. When it breaks nothing works but crying. I get a cry, I try to write or talk to Alex through the tears. Being able to work through these feelings help. Alex letting me have the feelings and even agreeing that the things “that just plain suck” that day also suck for him helps me feel human. Not feeling bad for feeling bad actually makes me feel better. There is the reason I blog.
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What if someone is feeling as anxious or even depressed as I am but has nobody to listen, to agree, to take the isolation (in feelings) away? I blog for therapy for me. I blog to write my feelings. I blog to talk to the stay at home moms and the special need moms and the work all day and I still have to do it all moms. I just want to take the isolation away. So I leave you with this image I found in my Instagram community–may it provide you with as much soothing as it does for me.
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