Hard Feelings

I like to play tough.  I like to think I am an optimistic person, especially when it comes to Nolan’s progress.  That being said, some days are just freaking hard.

I have 2 children I still have to fully hold on to at all times or they will run off, I have 2 fully in diapers still, I have class schedules, and nap schedules, and even poop schedules.  Some days I really wonder if we are going to make progress.  Are we ever going to get out of this mundane repetition.

I see Nolan’s peers starting to do dance classes, starting to go to preschool (and are potty trained to be able to do so), starting to do academics, going to bed with out medicinal help, etc.  I taught 3 year olds for 2 years, I know what 3 year olds can do.  As much as I know Nolan is beating to his own drum, going at his own pace, working through more than the Neuro-Typical (NT) kids to get over sensory stuff in addition to learning what they are, it still sucks to always feel behind. I want more than anything for him to have two things: 1) be happy 2) be a productive member in society.  When you see him sob if he’s doing anything besides iPad, is still fully in diapers, leads you to what he wants vs tells you, cant tell you if he is hungry, sick, or bored, wont even play with toys, and you know the current bullying climate it is hard to see either of those.

When time hop comes up with 1 year ago today videos (he had his diagnosis already) and he is doing things you CANNOT get him to do currently it is hard.  When at school they tell you all he is gaining and it is still less than where we were last year, it is hard.  When you hear all the things he is accomplishing at school and he wont do any of it for you at home, it is hard.

I blog about all the stuff I am proud of my kid for doing and I try to give those out there who are going through something similar some hope, but it I feel it may also give some rose colored glasses to the situation.  I am not writing this for sympathy, but to help moms going through all this to know you will have progress and those post worth posting, but you will have days when it, plainly said, sucks.  You will cry (probably the ugly cry, too), you will question decisions, you will ask so many questions, you will fight, you will have to learn, you will have to accommodate, you will have to say no to things.  It is far from fun to say I wish we could do that but it would be to much from him–and then the guilt of his poor sister missing out on it because he has to.  Its hard, it sucks.

Guys, momming is hard.  Any momming. Autism momming ads an element, but don’t think I feel I am better than you because I go through more/different stuff (though patience and understanding and maybe even some modifications are always appreciated).  I just want you to feel normal (I just want to feel normal).  You go through crap, I go through crap.  We go through crap and we should band together to go through the crap together.  Don’t feel alone in what you are doing, in your emotions, in our feelings, or in life.

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