All I want is to help my crying, pre-verbal child
When you have a child that is pre-verbal and crying, all you want to do is help–and sometimes you can’t. The struggle to go from the crying to the relationship building victory.
Pre-verbal
Pre-verbal is literally, before they have words. This can be an infant before they learned to talk and it can be a person who currently doesn’t have the ability to verbally speak due to some form of speech disorder. In the instance I am speaking of, it also includes not having the ability to use a device or alternative communication as well.
More often than not, the people in this category communicate through crying. They cannot express their feelings in words so they cry to tell you something is wrong, but they cry to express it.
In our family, this was experienced with Bryce with his dairy intolerance. He would have an upset stomach and no matter how much rocking, bouncing, nursing, soothing, singing, toys, positions, etc. we provided he cried. He had a belly ache and he was unable to tell us.
We also experienced this often, but most recently with Nolan and his medication intolerance. He would have a crying meltdown that got more and more frequent and longer in duration. At one point he was having 4-5 a day lasting up to an hour at a time. He was having a hard time with what the medication was doing to his body/brain and he was unable to tell us.
Helpless
As a parent/caregiver of someone who is preverbal, it is hard when they cry, but you are able to figure out what they need, they feel happy, and they stop. The relationship you then develop, “I cry, they come, I love them” is developed. They begin to trust you, rely on you, and love you. The parent then feels a connection to the child and they have a special bond.
Occasionally, you will have someone who cries and their needs are not easily pacified. Colic, illness, adverse reaction to medication, etc. The individual then continues to cry and it may even cause the crying to escalate when the needs are continually not met.
The parent can try a variety of things to help them to feel better. Trial and error, medicine, favorite toys/tools. Sometimes you land on something that works and the bond is then recreated, sometimes you continue to struggle.
At some point in the crying, the parent/caregiver begins to feel the strain. They may become emotional themselves, they may need to step away from trial and error to tend to other children/things in the home. Parents also begin to separate themselves from the crying.
With both boys, the crying got so hard. I would try and try to help and no matter what I tried, it was not the solution. I would be crying while rocking them and they continued to cry. I began to have to compartmentalize, “You can cry in your bed where I know you are safe while I tend to your siblings, dinner, the dogs, the house, etc.”
The relationships
When the relationship is built on being able to be there for the little one, and the parent feels incapable of doing that, the relationship can feel the strain. If you are not what they need and your job is to be there for them, you feel like you are not helping, you are not doing your job and you are failing them. You begin to feel like a shell taking care of a shell. They are not your loving, caring, child, but a shell in your house you need to keep safe.
With Bryce, I felt like a milk truck that changed diapers. I would care for him, but it felt like I was caring for him in a way to keep his well being, but we didn’t have the stare into each others eyes love each other kind of way. It was hard, to get smiles, it was hard to feel like he liked me for me– more than the milk I provided.
With Nolan, I felt like I was just moving him from place to place. The relationship we had developed over time was the fact I was always his soother. I could get him to sleep the best, I could calm him, I could snuggle him. I could be all he needed and at this point I no longer could. The relationship we spent 5.5 years bonding over felt gone. He doesn’t have a lot of interests we can bond over so I felt what I did have was gone. I had to leave him to care for the other two. I felt like he was just a crying shell I would check on occasionally and try again to calm, but the relationship felt fractioned.
Resolution
I would love to say there is some resolution to this. I found the resolution to play trial and error long enough to get to the root and treat that. To keep on loving and trucking and knowing this is a hard phase and phases can’t last forever. Regardless of how hard strained the relationship is, not to give up and to keep searching for the answers, resolution, and bond in that. Trust your mom gut, trust that they love you they are just really struggling, and advocate for their well being. Buckle up and survive the ride.
With Bryce, this meant tracking when he cried, researching common ailments, and finally discovering dairy was the culprit. It was then meeting with the doctor, making a plan, and planning forward. Once he was out of pain, we could laugh, we could play, and I became more than a milk truck. Our relationship has grown and we are now stuck with a HUGE mama’s boy.
With Nolan, this meant tracking the start and anything new in that time. It meant taking him to the doctor and ruling out pain. It meant trading hyperactivity and ending the medication in order to test its results. I meant talking to new doctors, making new plans, and admitting to Nolan we tried to help and we made it worse and we are sorry. He is back to his laughing, loving, happy self with light back in his eyes when the pain went away.
Community & Encouragement
I write these struggles to offer you community. I want to offer you encouragement. It is HARD to admit I lost connection with my child. It is hard to admit I felt like a failure as their mother. It hard to go through this. REALLY HARD, but you can do it. You are not alone and you can do it. You can keep pushing, keep trying and get through this phase. You can do it no matter how long it takes, how often you cry, how hard it gets.
